Thursday, 20 February 2014

Internet Dating - Oh The Joys!

I love t'internet, it's one of my favourite things and what better place to meet someone. I mean, why wouldn't you? A huge melting pot of diverse people to choose from, what can go wrong?

So for the uninitiated, generally it goes like this. You browse the profiles, you take your pick and strike up a conversation. If it turns out that the chat is as good as the profile you put your big brave pants on and go on a date.

Of course sometimes you don't make it past the conversation because sometimes you are reminded that t'internet houses a huge melting pot of diverse people (there's that phrase again) and some of these people have quite specific "interests".

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm no prude but it never fails to surprise me what people will reveal to a complete stranger.

Take exhibit a. We'll call him Dave. Dave's profile ticked quite a few of my boxes, he was in the right age range, he was local, he appeared to be single and he wasn't too shabby.

So I sent him a message and yay! He replied. The chat started off innocuos enough, hi how are you etc etc. And then he asked my favourite question:

So what are you looking for?

This question provokes two responses in my brain. 1) Errrr it's a dating website. Surely the clue is in the name? 2) You are clearly after a quick shag. I had, however, recently been berated for being too picky so against my better judgement and ignoring the roaring noise of my internal bullshitometer I carried on the conversation and told Dave about wanting to find someone for the long term without using words that screamed "I'm in my 30's, childless and alone!".

We carried on chatting and started leading up to sorting out a date.

And then the fun really started.

Dave explained what he would like to do on the date. He wanted to go to a bar and he wanted to surreptitiously grope me under the table in my lady garden area. Dave explained this in quite some detail.

At this point I have decided that this date will not be happening, part of me is running screaming for the hills. But then a part of me is intrigued as to how far this is going to go so I thought sod it, let's carry on.

Oh and I'm so glad I did.

Dave's date did not end with the groping under the table, oh no.

Oh no Dave wanted to take me home and then he wanted me naked. 

Then Dave wanted me on the floor.

So far, so relatively normal if not a bit forward.

Then Dave wanted to shave me.

And I'm not talking about my legs.


It was at this point that I fell about laughing.
Needless to say, I never did meet Dave. I'm not sure what the circumstances would be where I would let a stranger at me with a razor. But I suppose if nothing else, at least he had the (surely shaved) balls to ask.

Thanks for reading

Tuesday, 11 February 2014

Cyclists - a plea

Owing to the joys of my job I get to spend a fair amount of time travelling to Cambridge.

And Cambridge means cyclists.        

Now it has been a very long time since my arse was on a bike so there's only so far I can take this before I'm a massive hypocrite but I only ask a couple of things.

Red lights - not just for cars.       
Dear cyclists,  if you're on the road (which is more than likely) the red traffic lights are for you too. Being in a car and seeing a cyclist go through a red light makes me nervous. In car vs bike, chances are, the car will win. Big style.

Being a pedestrian and nearly being taken out by a cyclist running a red light just damn right pisses me off! I was very nearly in a collision with a cyclist at the lights outside the office as he came racing downhill at a fair speed after he ran a red light. Me vs cyclist? I'm a big girl. There's a chance I'll win but I'd rather not risk it.

Which brings me to cycling helmets. I know there's a school of thought that they don't make any difference, I've seen the arguments, we'll have to agree to disagree. Regardless of this, if there's it's a chance it will save your life, why would you not wear one???? To me it's exactly the same as wearing a seat belt in a car.

And lastly, it's dark, the streets are dark, the road is dark, everything is dark, even the dark is dark.

And so is a special type of cyclist who doesn't wear reflective clothing and doesn't have any bloody lights.

Now I know it's not everybody, certainly coming out of the train station of an evening 99% of people are lit up like Christmas trees which is just the way I like it. It should all be about being seen - reflective clothing and lights. Front and back.

And not those crappy glorified pen torches that seem to be so popular in Cambridge at the moment.

Have you been cycling on a dark Road without any lights only for some mad woman to shout at you as she drives past?

Yeah, there's a chance that was me.

Thanks for reading

Monday, 10 February 2014

It's the small things....

It's the small things that annoy me.

Here's two examples.

Lost cat posts on Facebook.
E.g. "Fluffy went out at 3pm today, it's now 7pm and she's not home. Please keep a look out for..... etc etc."

Your cat is not "lost", she's gone out for a wander. She'll be back when she's hungry, unless she catches something for dinner because that's what cats do.

Remember, you do not own your cat, your cat owns you.

Sainsburys being tight with condiments.
I know it's random, bare with me.

Out on the road today, I'm my usual disorganised self so no lunch with me. Usually I would head for the golden arches but on account of trying to shift the weight I aimed for Sainsburys instead. I was looking for a salad bar but joy of joys it had a cafe. No eating in the car for me today!

Jacket potato ordered, I take my seat and await my lunch.

In super quick time, a man brings me my lunch, looks lovely. He then asks would I like any condiments? He's holding a little bowl with some sachets in - ketchup, vinegar, mayo, salad cream etc.

I'm sorry, am I not trusted to pick out my own condiments anymore? Do we now have to have them given to us like a small child?

It's just bizarre!

I told you it was the small things.

Thanks for reading

Chocolate Sandwich?

Now I love chocolate and I love bread but even I have never thought of this:

I present to you, the chocolate sandwich.

I kid you not, I found this when I was looking for low calorie sandwiches.

I'll let you know if I try it!

Thanks for reading

Sunday, 9 February 2014

The beginning - a very good place to start

Hi, I'm Lard.

I've been thinking about doing this for a while as there's only so many times I can bitch, moan and rant at family and friends without them thinking I'm a miserable cow.

Which I'm not.


The sources of my posts will probably vary but they're likely include:

Trains and commuting in general (I travel by train to work)

Ranty road rage (and I also drive a bit for work)

Numpties in general (I'm not known for my patience)

Dating (I'm 34 and single but refuse to give in and get a cat. However internet dating attracts some "interesting" people)

Eating, drinking and exercise (or lack of. I'm proper overweight but trying to do something about it)

So no particular theme as yet but I hope to write posts that are sometimes funny,  sometimes interesting, sometimes serious but hopefully always readable.

And so it begins.....

Thanks for reading
Lard x