Don't Contact Me If... Part 2

Last month I posted this and it ended up being one of my most popular posts - Thanks for that. It's also one of the posts that I've spoken about with the few of my friends that know I blog. I've talked about it so much and been given so many ideas, I've added to the list!

So here goes.

Don't contact me if:

- You're homophobic.
- You have manky teeth.
- You're a fan of meaningless tribal tattoos.
- You have a barb wire tattoo that does not go all the way round your arm.
- Your first message only consists of the word "Hi" and your second message 2 seconds later is a dick pic.
- You've contacted me before I've given you the brush off. If you don't accept no as answer now it does not bode well for the future.
- You're a big fan of The Only Way Is Essex, Made In Chelsea, Geordie Shaw or anything else of that ilk.
- The same goes for anything Kardashian related.
- You're offended by women swearing.
- You won't cope with me having friends who I will be spending time with, sometimes without you. Chicks before Dicks.
- Your profile picture is you and your ex. I will assume that it is unfinished business.
- You are offended by everything because you have no sense of humour.
- When paying for something at the shop/kiosk/bar etc you throw your money on the counter instead of handing it to the person serving you.
- You have ever uttered the words "I pay your wages" to a public servant.
- You are Dave.
- You are Dave 2.

To the people who helped contribute, thanks very much. If you have got any others for the list comment below or contact me at the twitters @rantingsoflard

Thanks for reading
Lard
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The Happy List

I recently read this post by Lauren at Keep Calm It's Only A Blog and having had that exact same feeling in the not so distant past of being stressed out about everything, I thought I'd have a go at making a happy list too.

1) Cocktails in the park. Or in this case, the garden. For the last few years, 3 friends and I have got together in the summer to make and drink cocktails in the park. Usually it's a park in South London, this year it was the garden and it was fab.

2) The beach. I live a good 2 hours from the coast so any trip to the beach always makes me happy. I'm pretty sure I was in fact meant to live by the sea.

3) Shamelessly watching multiple episodes of boxsets on a Sunday afternoon. My recent viewings are Suits, Mad Men and Scandal. All of which are highly recommended. Thanks to Sky On Demand (one of my favourite things in the world) there are definitely more stories to be discovered.

4) Leaving work early on a Friday. I don't get to do it very often but getting home at 4.30 makes me very happy!

5) Amazing medical/science stories like this. They made ears out of his ribs.
Again, ears out of ribs. Amazing.

So there's my happy list for now. What would you add? Comment below or you can find me on the twitters @rantingsoflard. You can also follow me on Bloglovin.

Thanks for reading
Lard
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Photo Post

As promised, here's the 2nd part of this July's photo post. We'll ignore the fact that it's now August....

You can find the first part here.

The obligatory scenery shot

Another night away from and this time I got a proper bed!

Mini burgers from Coast to Coast in Birmingham

After a manic few weeks at work I got the ferry to go to Ireland. More about that soon.

Here are the links to the previous photo posts:

 March April May June

You can also find me on the twitters @rantingsoflard

And on Bloglovin

Thanks for reading

Lard

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Don't Contact Me If.....

I came across this post the other day via @ThePoke and it made me think. There are a whole lot of awful profiles on dating websites and I thought I'm sure I could make a similar list although maybe not 100 of them.

So without further ado and in no particular order:

Don't contact me if...

- You are a racist.

- You have ever voted UKIP.

- You read the Daily Mail.

- Your message only consists of the word "Hi".

- Your message only consists of the words "You look nice we meet yes?".

- You're shorter than me. My profile specifies that I like tall men. It also specifies my height. I am not tall.

- You just want to have a go at me for not dating someone shorter than me.

- You don't fancy fat girls. I get I'm not everybody's cup of tea. Neither are you, otherwise we wouldn't be on a dating site.

- You use text speak.

- You don't know the difference between there, their and they're.

- You don't know the difference between your and you're.

- Your profile picture is you in a mirror with a mobile phone.

- Your profile has photos of your kids.

- You live in a different country, that's way too long distance for me.

- You're a massive jazz fan (the music, not the mags).

- You do not have basic manners.

- You think the world owes you a living.

- Your profile says "we'll tell people we met in a pub".

- Your Facebook profile of full of inspirational quotes.

What would you add to this list? Comment below or find me on the twitters @rantingsoflard

Thanks for reading
Lard
x

Photo Post

It's been a busy few weeks so this month's photo post is in 2 parts. Here's part 1.

Lou from Lou Loves Beauty practiced a waterfall plait on me, she did well!

Combining my desire to go the beach in the recent lovely weather and my need to study

More beach photos

A little walk round the local park

St Albans cathedral

Chocolate wine is a bit odd but I can't recommend the Smirnoff Sorbet enough. It's like slush puppies for grown ups!

I'll post some more photos soon, in the meantime here are the links to the previous photo posts:

March April May June

You can also find me on the twitters @rantingsoflard

And on Bloglovin

Rantings of Lard

Thanks for reading

Lard

x

You're Not Alone

I've struggled a bit for blog ideas just recently so I had a chat with my mate Google and one of the ideas was when was the last time you cried?

This is not going to be my most cheerful post.

It was last week after watching Murdered By My Boyfriend which I recorded recently from BBC3. I'd seen it advertised but not read much about it, only that it was based on a true story.

I was going to tell you the plot but it's snapily summed up here. I'm not afraid to say that by the end of the programme I was crying my eyes out.

I've never personally been the victim of domestic abuser but I know enough people that have. That fact alone pisses me off because I shouldn't know a list of people who have been victims, it should not be so prevalent but it is.

I'm sure most of you have heard the statistic that on average 2 women a week are killed as a result of domestic violence. 

2 women a WEEK.

It's easy to say, "I'd never stay with someone like that" or "I'd be out the door the minute they laid a hand on me". It's easy to say that when you've not been in those shoes, it's easy to say when your self esteem has not been ground to nothing.

It's not just about physical violence, domestic abuse can be physical, mental and emotional. One minute, you're having a tiff about how drunk you were on a night out but over a period of time it soon escalates.

You're questioned about every drink - 

"How much did you drink? "
"Who bought you a drink"

Every night out -
"Where did you go?"
"Who did you go with?"
"Who did you talk to?"

Every item of clothing
"Why are you wearing that?"
"You look like a slut."
"You're to ugly to wear that."
"You're too fat"

Soon enough it's easier to stay in and to not see your friends, it's not worth the hassle of the Spanish inquisition when you get home, not worth the accusations that because you've been out of their sight for a couple of hours that you've been out shagging all and sundry, that you can't be trusted.

I've seen how easily someone's self esteem can be completely destroyed, seen how they didn't see it as domestic abuse because their partner didn't hit them.

Nobody should have to live like that, being in a loving relationship is not about being controlled by someone.

You're not alone.
There is help out there:

www.womensaid.org.uk

www.mankind.org.uk

www.refuge.org.uk

Thanks for reading

Lard
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It's Time You Actually Went On A Date

This was the cry from my friends after being so disillusioned by Dave and Dave 2 that I couldn't even be bothered to trawl through the Internet to see what was on offer. So being the cracking friends they are, they started looking for me.

"Look at this one, he seems normal and he's the same age"

Hmmm, I'm not massively convinced, my inner bullshitometer is starting to make a noise.

"Go on, what's the worst that can happen?"

Fine.

We'll call this man.....
John.
(I know, you were expecting Dave weren't you?)

We do the hello how are you thing and almost straight away he asks if I would like to go for coffee this Saturday. I agree and a place to meet is arranged for 2pm Saturday afternoon. I'm still not hugely convinced but it's only coffee. Before he signs off, we have a bit more chat and he asks what I do for a living, I tell him I'm a Civil Servant and ask what he does.

"I work part time at a church, I'll tell you all about it on Saturday"

Oh bloody hell.

Now it should be noted at this point that I'm not a big fan of religion but for those that have a faith, if that's what gets you through the day then good luck to you. Just don't expect me to agree.

Saturday comes and I'm getting ready for the date thinking I best put the effort in - nice clothes, make up and heels - when he texts to say that he's just getting the bus into town.

Bus? I know it's shallow, but I do like a man with a car. I'm becoming less convinced by this date by the minute but as much as I can be a bitch, I'm not so much of a bitch that I would stand someone up so off I go into town.

I went to the prearranged meeting place and he was easy to spot because he was the man there who I would least like to go on a date with. Not a good start. I walk over and say hi, he gets up and says hello back and while he does a quick appraisal of me, I return the favour.

Blondey brown hair, not Brad Pitt looks wise but no where near the ugliest bloke in town either. Black and yellow polyester cheap nasty looking tracksuit top which definitely came from the 90s and underneath a t-shirt that was once black but after 20000 washes is now grey. Black cargo pants and filthy looking trainers. I won't judge you on the make of your trainers but I will judge you if they look like you've walked through a bog to get here. So while I've made an effort, he clearly has not and that annoyed me. He picked up his ruck sack (?) and smiled after we agreed to top go to the nearest Weatherspoons. Dear me, he had some manky teeth, mostly yellow apart from the brown bits which gave away his roll up habit. 

Bleugh.

So off we go to Weatherspoons and he does not stop talking, he talked about how he'd been up since 4am and he'd done this and he'd done that and played some games on his laptop and then packed everything away in his ruck sack and come to meet me.

While we're standing at the bar waiting to be served he explains that the reason he has the laptop is because he's in emergency accommodation and doesn't want it to get nicked.

My mind starts saying - must not judge, must not judge.

"I'm waiting to be housed by the council"

Must not judge.

"They have offered me a place but I don't like it. I know how to play the system, I know they can offer me 3 places before they take me off the list"

I know how to play the system are not words that I like to hear. Must not judge, must not judge.

"Cos I'm on long term sick benefit, I'm getting every penny I can out of the government, it's my right."

OK. Now I'm judging.

I haven't said much at this point a) because I can't get a word in edgeways and b) I'm a little bit struck dumb. We got to the pub garden with our drinks and he proceeds to give me his life story from age 16 onwards. Highlights include leaving home to live with his Dad who was an alcoholic, his Dad dying, moving in with his girlfriend and becoming guardian to her 3 kids when he was 18 because she was an alcoholic (my bullshitometer went into overdrive at that, I was surprised he couldn't hear it), splitting up with her and finding a new girlfriend - also an alcoholic, as were her parents. Just as I start to think - I bet you're an alcoholic, he preempts me by telling me he's not alcoholic.

Because he doesn't drink during the day. Apart from the other day when he his mate came round at 1pm with a crate of Stella. "But I do have a drink every night, you know, just to relax".

Hmmmm.

He also mentioned that his ex used to smoke a lot and he didn't really like it (pot meet kettle), I was still a smoker at this point in time so I made conscious effort to smoke more while he carried on talking.

He asks me about how much I drink and I tell him that generally my drinking is done at weekends as I can't really work when I'm hungover.

"I don't have to work so it's not really a problem for me ha ha!"

Yes, so why don't you work?

He then told me about having an accident and breaking his ankle "but it's OK now", having his spleen taken out after another accident and having Epilepsy. He then proceeded to tell me that that the main reason he was unable to work was because of his Epilepsy.

Now I don't know much about breaking an ankle or having your spleen out but Epilepsy is something I can relate to. I asked a couple of questions, nothing to difficult, when were you diagnosed, are you on any meds, when was your last seizure.

"Well I've only had 2, the last one was a couple of years ago"

OK you're taking the piss now. I decided to leave it there and thought well in for a penny in for a pound.

"You said you work at the church, which one is it?"

Another long diatribe about how he is a part-time priest for local Mormon Church which Involves being available on the phone a couple of days a week in a sort of samaritan type role and helping take the service on Sundays.

"Are you religious?"

"No"

"Oh"

That killed the conversation fairly sharply.

At this point I'm done. Not only is he massively not my type, I've a sneaking suspicion that he's a bit of a Billy Bullshitter and those teeth are really starting to offend me.

So I make my excuses and he says he'll walk out with me, we get close to the bus station and he says

"It was really nice to meet you............. Sorry what was your name again?"

Are you kidding me? I've listened to you drone on about yourself for an hour and you couldn't even be bothered to remember my name?

Unbelievable.

Needless to say, I didn't see John again.

The search continues.

Thanks for reading
Lard
x

A word about the picture at the top, I found it at Womens Health. Then I read the article and it's brilliant - I highly recommend it.