I Wrote A Guest Post!

The lovely Louise at Lou Loves Beauty has been on at me to do a guest post for her since I first started blogging. I've been a bit stuck for ideas recently and didn't want to force it. Then I had a few days off and got sucked into watching some of This Morning. Twenty Five minutes after shouting "Are you kidding me?" at the TV, the guest post was written.

You can read my post about how much the term "Real Women" irritates me here. I'd love to know what you think.

Thanks for reading
Lard
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Photo Post

It's been a while since I did a photo post - here's a snap shot of the last few weeks.

Starting with a drunken selfie

And ending with the Ice Bucket Challenge

Thanks for reading

Lard

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Driving Related Rants

I've had the joy of driving to work a few times in the last couple of weeks. I'm not at my best in the mornings, I'm fairly grumpy and shit driving just makes me worse.

Lets jump straight in shall we?

Middle Lane Wankers

I make no apologies for the language. 

Part 264 of the Highway Code states: 

"You should always drive in the left-hand lane when the road ahead is clear. If you are overtaking a number of slower-moving vehicles, you should return to the left-hand lane as soon as you are safely past. Slow-moving or speed-restricted vehicles should always remain in the left-hand lane of the carriageway unless overtaking."

Why is it such a difficult concept for people to understand? It's pure selfish ignorance and it pisses me off. Oh and don't give me that "I don't like driving in between lorries" excuse either. Scared of lorries? Get off the motorway or better still hand your licence back to the DVLA and give up driving. 

One Speed No Matter What

Imagine the scene, you're happily driving a long at 60mph as that's the speed limit and you come across another driver doing 40. Yes it's annoying and you might have a little moan about it but they're within the speed limit, they're not breaking any rules. 

Until the limit changes to 30.

Do you think our new friend slows down? Nope. They just sail on through at 40. Nevermind that it's probably 30 for a reason (built up area, a school, an accident black spot etc.). Our new friend is so oblivious to what is going on around them that they can only do 40mph no matter where they are.

Tossers. Ignorant tossers.

Texting and Driving

I know you think you're being all discreet because you've got your phone on your lap where no one except lorry drivers can see it but when you weave all over your lane and/or into the next lane it's really bloody obvious. As is watching you do your nodding dog impression as you constantly keep looking down to your phone.

Image from flappypaddleheads.com

Research has shown that texting and driving can impair your driving by 35%. Do you really want to take that risk? It's literally a killer - stop doing it!!

Thanks for reading
Lard
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Today I'm Feeling Old

Went out last night with one of my oldest friends. There was beer, wine, vodka, sambuca, dancing and chips at the end of the night.

I remember being aware of quite a lot of people being a lot younger than me. It didn't matter though to be honest. We had a great night.

I woke up this morning on the sofa this morning. This is not unusual after I've had a drink, the walk from the sofa to the bed at the end of the night is always the hardest. All my make up still on, including the lipstick (Revlon colour stay ultimate suede since you asked), contact lenses still in. So far no change from usual.

Then I got up.

Owww! Good lord my back is fucked!

I've definitely pulled something and it fricking hurts!

I'm walking like a little old lady - it's not a good look.

This afternoon I'm going to watch my friend's daughter in the village carnival when all I actually want to do is have a kip on the sofa.

This is why today, I'm feeling old.

Thanks for reading
Lard
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Don't Contact Me If... Part 2

Last month I posted this and it ended up being one of my most popular posts - Thanks for that. It's also one of the posts that I've spoken about with the few of my friends that know I blog. I've talked about it so much and been given so many ideas, I've added to the list!

So here goes.

Don't contact me if:

- You're homophobic.
- You have manky teeth.
- You're a fan of meaningless tribal tattoos.
- You have a barb wire tattoo that does not go all the way round your arm.
- Your first message only consists of the word "Hi" and your second message 2 seconds later is a dick pic.
- You've contacted me before I've given you the brush off. If you don't accept no as answer now it does not bode well for the future.
- You're a big fan of The Only Way Is Essex, Made In Chelsea, Geordie Shaw or anything else of that ilk.
- The same goes for anything Kardashian related.
- You're offended by women swearing.
- You won't cope with me having friends who I will be spending time with, sometimes without you. Chicks before Dicks.
- Your profile picture is you and your ex. I will assume that it is unfinished business.
- You are offended by everything because you have no sense of humour.
- When paying for something at the shop/kiosk/bar etc you throw your money on the counter instead of handing it to the person serving you.
- You have ever uttered the words "I pay your wages" to a public servant.
- You are Dave.
- You are Dave 2.

To the people who helped contribute, thanks very much. If you have got any others for the list comment below or contact me at the twitters @rantingsoflard

Thanks for reading
Lard
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The Happy List

I recently read this post by Lauren at Keep Calm It's Only A Blog and having had that exact same feeling in the not so distant past of being stressed out about everything, I thought I'd have a go at making a happy list too.

1) Cocktails in the park. Or in this case, the garden. For the last few years, 3 friends and I have got together in the summer to make and drink cocktails in the park. Usually it's a park in South London, this year it was the garden and it was fab.

2) The beach. I live a good 2 hours from the coast so any trip to the beach always makes me happy. I'm pretty sure I was in fact meant to live by the sea.

3) Shamelessly watching multiple episodes of boxsets on a Sunday afternoon. My recent viewings are Suits, Mad Men and Scandal. All of which are highly recommended. Thanks to Sky On Demand (one of my favourite things in the world) there are definitely more stories to be discovered.

4) Leaving work early on a Friday. I don't get to do it very often but getting home at 4.30 makes me very happy!

5) Amazing medical/science stories like this. They made ears out of his ribs.
Again, ears out of ribs. Amazing.

So there's my happy list for now. What would you add? Comment below or you can find me on the twitters @rantingsoflard. You can also follow me on Bloglovin.

Thanks for reading
Lard
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Photo Post

As promised, here's the 2nd part of this July's photo post. We'll ignore the fact that it's now August....

You can find the first part here.

The obligatory scenery shot

Another night away from and this time I got a proper bed!

Mini burgers from Coast to Coast in Birmingham

After a manic few weeks at work I got the ferry to go to Ireland. More about that soon.

Here are the links to the previous photo posts:

 March April May June

You can also find me on the twitters @rantingsoflard

And on Bloglovin

Thanks for reading

Lard

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