Being In My Thirties - Drinking On A School Night

I've been lacking in time and inspiration for my blog recently, however slowly but surely the inspiration is coming back. After reading a post about what someone had learnt since being in their twenties I thought I'd write something similar about my thirties.

The first thing we need to talk about is alcohol. More specifically drinking on a school night.

There was a time when I first started work when I was out Thursday, Friday and Saturday night with the odd Sunday thrown in. Friday's at work would pass in a haze of Coke, coffee and Pro-Plus. I'd be full up to my ears in caffeine but I'd be productive. The boss didn't care as long as I got the work done.

Fast forward 15 years or so and drinking on a school night is simply no longer an option. Especially now I get the train to work, I'm pretty sure that trains and hangovers do not mix.  Prior to getting the train to work I was a 20 minute walk away from the office. That doesn't sound so bad does it? Let me tell you about the last time I drank on a school night.....

My best friend was coming round to dinner.

"Do you fancy going out for dinner? I can't be arsed to cook"

And so the scene was set.

It was only Nandos, nothing fancy but we had a bottle of wine with dinner.

With still much gossiping to do we adjourned to a nearby pub where we had another bottle of wine.

There was still talking to be done after that so another bottle of wine was purchased.

And then the pub closed.

"Shall we go home?"

"I don't know, it feels a bit early"

It was midnight. On a Wednesday. We both had work the next day.

So we went a few doors down to another drinking establishment which had the added bonus of a late licence and a dance floor.

Another bottle of wine was purchased and it cost £5. This was not quality wine.

Memories from this point forward are hazy. I remember moving on to vodka, I remember dancing and that's it.

The next thing I hear is the door slam.

My front door. 

It's 8 in the morning and my friend has just left for work. I'm eyes open wide awake. No particularly strong headache, no significant urge to vom, not bad!

On reflection I may have still been a little bit drunk.

I wander round the flat aimlessly for a bit, not really knowing what to do with myself and trying to remember the journey home.

Then I spot a bag. A BP carrier bag. I cling to a very vague memory of being in front of the chocolate display at the local BP garage trying to look sober.

I open the bag and this is what I find:

1 × kingsize Snickers
1 × kingsize Twix
1 × kingsize Mars
2 × Wispa
2 × Walkers ready salted crisps
2 × can of Coke
20 B & H Silver

I burst out laughing (definitely still pissed), that is proper random drunk buying but there was clearly still a part of my head that knew I would need Coke and crisps from breakfast. Oh and some chocolate.

Also in the bag one receipt adding up to nearly £20 time stamped at 2.32am. Well that answers the question of what time did we got home at.

Eventually after a lot of faffing about I finally get into work. And this is where being in my thirties takes its toll.

I might not have much of a headache but I feel like I haven't slept and no amount of caffeine makes any difference. In fact it just makes me feel sick. I'm there in physical form but I've got the mental capacity of a stapler. Productivity is zero.

All I can think is - how did I used to do this on a regular basis?

I practically crawled out of the office at 4pm (Thank god for flexi time) apologising to my boss and promising to work extra hard the next day. I don't mind admitting that I went straight home and straight to bed.

This was a couple of years ago and I haven't done it since. My school night limit is now 3 glasses of wine (not bottles) and that's a rare occasion.

No more getting hammered on a school night. Those days are over.

Unless I've got the next day off......I think that might be a whole other post!

Thanks for reading
Lard
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The 11th Hour of The 11th Day of The 11th Month

"They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:

Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning,

We will remember them."

Last two photos courtesy of Ian @cambscobbler

I Wrote A Guest Post!

The lovely Louise at Lou Loves Beauty has been on at me to do a guest post for her since I first started blogging. I've been a bit stuck for ideas recently and didn't want to force it. Then I had a few days off and got sucked into watching some of This Morning. Twenty Five minutes after shouting "Are you kidding me?" at the TV, the guest post was written.

You can read my post about how much the term "Real Women" irritates me here. I'd love to know what you think.

Thanks for reading
Lard
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Photo Post

It's been a while since I did a photo post - here's a snap shot of the last few weeks.

Starting with a drunken selfie

And ending with the Ice Bucket Challenge

Thanks for reading

Lard

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Driving Related Rants

I've had the joy of driving to work a few times in the last couple of weeks. I'm not at my best in the mornings, I'm fairly grumpy and shit driving just makes me worse.

Lets jump straight in shall we?

Middle Lane Wankers

I make no apologies for the language. 

Part 264 of the Highway Code states: 

"You should always drive in the left-hand lane when the road ahead is clear. If you are overtaking a number of slower-moving vehicles, you should return to the left-hand lane as soon as you are safely past. Slow-moving or speed-restricted vehicles should always remain in the left-hand lane of the carriageway unless overtaking."

Why is it such a difficult concept for people to understand? It's pure selfish ignorance and it pisses me off. Oh and don't give me that "I don't like driving in between lorries" excuse either. Scared of lorries? Get off the motorway or better still hand your licence back to the DVLA and give up driving. 

One Speed No Matter What

Imagine the scene, you're happily driving a long at 60mph as that's the speed limit and you come across another driver doing 40. Yes it's annoying and you might have a little moan about it but they're within the speed limit, they're not breaking any rules. 

Until the limit changes to 30.

Do you think our new friend slows down? Nope. They just sail on through at 40. Nevermind that it's probably 30 for a reason (built up area, a school, an accident black spot etc.). Our new friend is so oblivious to what is going on around them that they can only do 40mph no matter where they are.

Tossers. Ignorant tossers.

Texting and Driving

I know you think you're being all discreet because you've got your phone on your lap where no one except lorry drivers can see it but when you weave all over your lane and/or into the next lane it's really bloody obvious. As is watching you do your nodding dog impression as you constantly keep looking down to your phone.

Image from flappypaddleheads.com

Research has shown that texting and driving can impair your driving by 35%. Do you really want to take that risk? It's literally a killer - stop doing it!!

Thanks for reading
Lard
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Today I'm Feeling Old

Went out last night with one of my oldest friends. There was beer, wine, vodka, sambuca, dancing and chips at the end of the night.

I remember being aware of quite a lot of people being a lot younger than me. It didn't matter though to be honest. We had a great night.

I woke up this morning on the sofa this morning. This is not unusual after I've had a drink, the walk from the sofa to the bed at the end of the night is always the hardest. All my make up still on, including the lipstick (Revlon colour stay ultimate suede since you asked), contact lenses still in. So far no change from usual.

Then I got up.

Owww! Good lord my back is fucked!

I've definitely pulled something and it fricking hurts!

I'm walking like a little old lady - it's not a good look.

This afternoon I'm going to watch my friend's daughter in the village carnival when all I actually want to do is have a kip on the sofa.

This is why today, I'm feeling old.

Thanks for reading
Lard
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Don't Contact Me If... Part 2

Last month I posted this and it ended up being one of my most popular posts - Thanks for that. It's also one of the posts that I've spoken about with the few of my friends that know I blog. I've talked about it so much and been given so many ideas, I've added to the list!

So here goes.

Don't contact me if:

- You're homophobic.
- You have manky teeth.
- You're a fan of meaningless tribal tattoos.
- You have a barb wire tattoo that does not go all the way round your arm.
- Your first message only consists of the word "Hi" and your second message 2 seconds later is a dick pic.
- You've contacted me before I've given you the brush off. If you don't accept no as answer now it does not bode well for the future.
- You're a big fan of The Only Way Is Essex, Made In Chelsea, Geordie Shaw or anything else of that ilk.
- The same goes for anything Kardashian related.
- You're offended by women swearing.
- You won't cope with me having friends who I will be spending time with, sometimes without you. Chicks before Dicks.
- Your profile picture is you and your ex. I will assume that it is unfinished business.
- You are offended by everything because you have no sense of humour.
- When paying for something at the shop/kiosk/bar etc you throw your money on the counter instead of handing it to the person serving you.
- You have ever uttered the words "I pay your wages" to a public servant.
- You are Dave.
- You are Dave 2.

To the people who helped contribute, thanks very much. If you have got any others for the list comment below or contact me at the twitters @rantingsoflard

Thanks for reading
Lard
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