Trains, Mobiles and the Not So Bright

As I may have mentioned already, for at least 3 days of the week I get the train to work and have done for the last 2 years. An hour journey to work does not fill me with joy (my previous commute was 5 minutes) but needs must and I counteract the misery by having a my ear phones in, reading, tapping out the occasional blog post and generally looking unsociable. If your really lucky, occasionally I'll have a little sleep.

Now the line I travel on is not inhabited by the newest of trains. They're loud, rickety and old. Air conditioning is unheard of and the heating harks back to a bygone age. I don't know how the heating is controlled but I'm pretty sure it only has 2 settings - on and off. You'd think this would correspond to the weather outside but I generally find that this is not the case. If it's zero degrees outside, heating is off. Today it's 10 degrees celsius outside,  heating is on full blast. I'm known for being warm blooded but I know that I'm not the only one feeling the heat this morning because half the windows are open.

So to recap, the train is old, loud and hot so the windows are open to try and get some air in which in turn makes things louder.

So why oh why would you try and have a phone conversation with someone?? My stop is the beginning of the line so I'm lucky enough to have my pick of seats in the morning, so I took a pew today,  ear phones in, Kindle at the ready.

Now because I'm nice, I have my music at a level where I can hear it but the rest of the carriage can't. This means I can still hear the noise of the train but it's no massive hardship and I try not piss people off intentionally.

But then it begins....

"HELLO? HI! YEAH JUST ON MY WAY TO WORK SO I THOUGHT I'D RING FOR A CHAT"

Well that's annoying, I can hear the train and you above my music because you are actually shouting into your phone. Maybe you'll get off at the first stop.

"HI YAR. JUST SEEN THE FIGURES, YEAH, YEAH. JUST ON THE TRAIN. THOUGHT I'D GET ON THE PHONE AND SHOW EVERYONE HOW IMPORTANT I AM"

(I may made that last bit up but you get the picture.)

Oh for fucks sake we've only just left the station and now there's two of you at it!

"MATE! YES MATE, ON MY WAY DAAAN LONDON INNIT"

Seriously? 3 of you? In the same bloody carriage? Come on!

I don't get it, why do you think sitting on a train shouting at your phone is socially acceptable? Some of us (me) don't need all that noise first thing in the morning! Oh and you're really not that important.

I give in, I'm off to the next carriage.

If you saw a stroppy looking woman stomping down the train today with a face like thunder it may have been me. I promise I'm friendlier on the way home!

Thanks for reading.
Lard
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Another Internet Dating Story....

Hi everyone,

Sorry it's been a few days since I posted, life has got in the way a bit but I'm back and I bring humour!

My last post on the joys of internet dating went well (you can meet Dave here) so I thought I would share another story.

So, it's a random weekday evening and I've got one eye on the TV and one eye on the laptop. There's a ping from the laptop, somebody wants to be part of my contacts.

A quick aside, on this particular website, people request to be part of your contacts and if you say yes they are then able to IM you.

So a quick look at the profile, age - fine, height - fine (I like tall men), photo - fine, location - bit far away for my liking but again I remember being told off for being too picky. So I click yes and he becomes part of my contacts.

We shall call him..............Dave 2.

So straight away the hi how are you conversation starts and then of course my favourite questions.....

What are you looking for?

Cue Marge Simpson growl.

However, on this occasion I don't get a to answer because it's all about Dave 2.

Dave 2 goes on to tell me that he's not looking for a girlfriend and he's not looking for a date. He looking for an audience.

Huh???

Oh Dave 2, please explain.

So he does.

Dave 2 like to pleasure himself and Dave 2 likes an audience while he's doing it. Apparently the number of people of watching is not really a concern, it could be 1 or it could be 10 but he really likes to be watched.

Would you like to watch?

Well Dave 2, we only started chatting 10 minutes ago.

You wouldn't be the first.

Well THAT'S a relief!!

And you wouldn't have to be naked.

OK......

I just want you to watch, not touch.

Dave 2, I'm not sure you're doing much for my ego here.

I could pay you. I've paid for an audience before.

And that's my ego completely trampled.

So let me gets this straight, you've singled me out on this dating website (note the word dating and not fetish) because I look like the girl who likes to sit there and watch you wank.

So is that a no then?

Not so much a no, more of a piss off and bother someone else.

Do you think any of your mates would be up for it?

Ha ha ha ha ha! No Dave 2, I am not pimping you out to my mates!

Needless to say, Dave 2 was another one that did not make it to the date stage but I suppose he was good enough to provide me with a good story!

Thanks for reading
Lard
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Photo Post

My first photo post went well so here's another one for you.

In March I escaped to Lanzarote for a week.

While we there it was St Patrick's Day and as I'm from Irish stock it would be rude not to celebrate

And this was the morning after - cracking Irish breakfast.

And then home sweet home, the view from my living room

Getting ready for Purple Day 2014

Thanks for reading

Lard

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More Small Things....

I feels like it's been a while since I've shared a rant so after It's the Small Things.... here is:

Small things that annoy me - part 2. More driving related rants.

I'm driving along and it's pissing it down with rain and because of the rain and the spray, visibility is crap.

All of sudden like a phoenix from the flames, a car appears in front of me, seemingly out of bloody nowhere. And the reason for this? Because it's a grey car (or a silver one) and the driver does not have the fecking lights on! Why is it always drivers of grey and silver cars, the ones that blend in perfectly with the grey sky, the grey road and the grey spray that don't have have their bloody lights on? Seriously, they're not just for show, it's to improve your visibility and to make you visible to other road users. Selfish tossers.

Another small driving thing that annoys me (and this really is a small thing). You go to the petrol station, it's busy, there's a bit of a queue at the pumps so you just go and get in one of the queues and await your turn.

At least you do if you're a normal person. Obviously if you're a complete knobhead then you'll dawdle at the entrance to the petrol station having a look to see which queue is going the fastest whilst being completely oblivious the cars behind you that don't have time for you to fuck about. Pick a queue, get in it and stop holding everyone else up.

And lastly, this is a big thing. Indicators - use them. Your fellow drivers are not bloody psychic.

Thanks for reading
Lard
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Wednesday 26 March 2014 - Why I'll Be Wearing Purple

Now I know some of my friends will see the title of this post and say, how is Wednesday different? Purple is my favourite colour, I like purple a lot! But this Wednesday is different, this Wednesday is Purple Day, the international day for epilepsy. Let me tell you my story....

A random Friday in June when I was 12 is where it all began. I got home from school and fell asleep on the sofa and I was woken up when my parents got home from work later on. I made my way from the sofa to the kitchen as there was fish and chips on offer. I sat down and picked up a chip and the next thing I remember is waking up on the kitchen floor thinking a) this is cold,  b) why am I on the kitchen floor and c) who is this strange man in green?

The answer to my questions were because I'd had my first epileptic seizure and the man in green was of course a paramedic. I was left very disoriented and don't remember much of the journey to the hospital or the rest of the evening but I was kept in overnight for observation and sent home the next day with a box of purple pills and an invite for an EEG.

Around 2 months later I'm at another hospital with electrodes attached to my head with this god awful glue which takes a age to get out of your hair doing various tests to see if I had Epilepsy. Not long after, I received a letter confirming that the initial suspicions were correct and I was diagnosed with Epilepsy.

My family were fantastic, I remember Mum getting me lots of literature to read through and she answered any questions as best she could. My Dad shared his own story, my brother and I had sort of been vaguely aware that Dad was Epileptic but it had been many a year since he'd had a seizure, way before I was born but this alone meant that I knew this wasn't the end, just a new beginning.

My friends were brilliant too, I grew up in a small village so had a close circle of friends, many of whom I'm still friends with today. They didn't treat me any differently, the weren't afraid of asking questions and Mum explained what to do if I had a seizure when I was with them.

Throughout my teens I was under the care of the local hospital and I would see a Doctor every 6 months to monitor my progress. I was lucky with my Epilepsy I had a seizure when I was 13 and that was it for the next 5 years. Somewhere along the line my consultant at the hospital gave my Epilepsy a name Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy. After a bit of research it really was like seeing the wood for the trees. It perfectly described my symptoms, I had Myoclonic Jerks (which up until this point I didn't even realise were part of my Epilepsy) and I would have the full blown seizures like the ones that are portrayed on TV. Obviously TV doesn't show the full joy of a seizure, for the record I always bite my tongue, if it's particularly ferocious I'll give it a good chew. This means I usually wake up with a mouth full of blood, a long with the disorientation it looks a lot like I've been in a fight!

Having JME means that I only have seizures within a couple of hours of waking up which so at least most of the time I'll be in the comfort of my own home and less likely to injure myself, that's not so say I haven't though. The injury lists covers a broken nose, a chipped tooth, a black eye and various carpet burns!

My Epilepsy was controlled to a certain extent by medication (Epilim in case you're interested) but it's fair to say that in my late teens and early twenties too much beer and too little sleep resulted in a few seizures but I was lucky, they weren't that frequent and didn't have a huge effect on my life.

Several years later I'm now in my mid early thirties and my life is a lot more settled, I've been off the medication for over 2 years and I'm able to keep my seizures at bay by getting enough sleep and not getting too stressed. I've not had a seizure for 11 years and I've had a driving licence for 9.

I've always been able to talk about and be upfront about my Epilepsy. I'm always happy to answer questions about my experiences as I believe that the cure to ignorance about Epilepsy is education.

It has to be said that I'm one of the lucky ones, I've never experienced (to my knowledge) any discrimination because of my Epilepsy, I'm able to to hold down a full-time job and I'm able to live on my own.

My Epilepsy is mine, it's part of me but it will never get in the way of me being me.

www.epilepsysociety.org.uk

Thanks for reading
Lard
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Photo Post

Something a little different for this post. Like a lot of people I like taking photos and thought I would share some of them with you.

                The two above were taken in the                           lovely Gloucestershire countryside

                 The three above are all in                                                Bourton-on-the-Water

I can't got to the South West without having cream tea!

1 March 2014 - Spring is here at last!

Thanks for reading

Lard

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