Today I'm Feeling Old

Went out last night with one of my oldest friends. There was beer, wine, vodka, sambuca, dancing and chips at the end of the night.

I remember being aware of quite a lot of people being a lot younger than me. It didn't matter though to be honest. We had a great night.

I woke up this morning on the sofa this morning. This is not unusual after I've had a drink, the walk from the sofa to the bed at the end of the night is always the hardest. All my make up still on, including the lipstick (Revlon colour stay ultimate suede since you asked), contact lenses still in. So far no change from usual.

Then I got up.

Owww! Good lord my back is fucked!

I've definitely pulled something and it fricking hurts!

I'm walking like a little old lady - it's not a good look.

This afternoon I'm going to watch my friend's daughter in the village carnival when all I actually want to do is have a kip on the sofa.

This is why today, I'm feeling old.

Thanks for reading
Lard
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Don't Contact Me If... Part 2

Last month I posted this and it ended up being one of my most popular posts - Thanks for that. It's also one of the posts that I've spoken about with the few of my friends that know I blog. I've talked about it so much and been given so many ideas, I've added to the list!

So here goes.

Don't contact me if:

- You're homophobic.
- You have manky teeth.
- You're a fan of meaningless tribal tattoos.
- You have a barb wire tattoo that does not go all the way round your arm.
- Your first message only consists of the word "Hi" and your second message 2 seconds later is a dick pic.
- You've contacted me before I've given you the brush off. If you don't accept no as answer now it does not bode well for the future.
- You're a big fan of The Only Way Is Essex, Made In Chelsea, Geordie Shaw or anything else of that ilk.
- The same goes for anything Kardashian related.
- You're offended by women swearing.
- You won't cope with me having friends who I will be spending time with, sometimes without you. Chicks before Dicks.
- Your profile picture is you and your ex. I will assume that it is unfinished business.
- You are offended by everything because you have no sense of humour.
- When paying for something at the shop/kiosk/bar etc you throw your money on the counter instead of handing it to the person serving you.
- You have ever uttered the words "I pay your wages" to a public servant.
- You are Dave.
- You are Dave 2.

To the people who helped contribute, thanks very much. If you have got any others for the list comment below or contact me at the twitters @rantingsoflard

Thanks for reading
Lard
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The Happy List

I recently read this post by Lauren at Keep Calm It's Only A Blog and having had that exact same feeling in the not so distant past of being stressed out about everything, I thought I'd have a go at making a happy list too.

1) Cocktails in the park. Or in this case, the garden. For the last few years, 3 friends and I have got together in the summer to make and drink cocktails in the park. Usually it's a park in South London, this year it was the garden and it was fab.

2) The beach. I live a good 2 hours from the coast so any trip to the beach always makes me happy. I'm pretty sure I was in fact meant to live by the sea.

3) Shamelessly watching multiple episodes of boxsets on a Sunday afternoon. My recent viewings are Suits, Mad Men and Scandal. All of which are highly recommended. Thanks to Sky On Demand (one of my favourite things in the world) there are definitely more stories to be discovered.

4) Leaving work early on a Friday. I don't get to do it very often but getting home at 4.30 makes me very happy!

5) Amazing medical/science stories like this. They made ears out of his ribs.
Again, ears out of ribs. Amazing.

So there's my happy list for now. What would you add? Comment below or you can find me on the twitters @rantingsoflard. You can also follow me on Bloglovin.

Thanks for reading
Lard
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Photo Post

As promised, here's the 2nd part of this July's photo post. We'll ignore the fact that it's now August....

You can find the first part here.

The obligatory scenery shot

Another night away from and this time I got a proper bed!

Mini burgers from Coast to Coast in Birmingham

After a manic few weeks at work I got the ferry to go to Ireland. More about that soon.

Here are the links to the previous photo posts:

 March April May June

You can also find me on the twitters @rantingsoflard

And on Bloglovin

Thanks for reading

Lard

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Don't Contact Me If.....

I came across this post the other day via @ThePoke and it made me think. There are a whole lot of awful profiles on dating websites and I thought I'm sure I could make a similar list although maybe not 100 of them.

So without further ado and in no particular order:

Don't contact me if...

- You are a racist.

- You have ever voted UKIP.

- You read the Daily Mail.

- Your message only consists of the word "Hi".

- Your message only consists of the words "You look nice we meet yes?".

- You're shorter than me. My profile specifies that I like tall men. It also specifies my height. I am not tall.

- You just want to have a go at me for not dating someone shorter than me.

- You don't fancy fat girls. I get I'm not everybody's cup of tea. Neither are you, otherwise we wouldn't be on a dating site.

- You use text speak.

- You don't know the difference between there, their and they're.

- You don't know the difference between your and you're.

- Your profile picture is you in a mirror with a mobile phone.

- Your profile has photos of your kids.

- You live in a different country, that's way too long distance for me.

- You're a massive jazz fan (the music, not the mags).

- You do not have basic manners.

- You think the world owes you a living.

- Your profile says "we'll tell people we met in a pub".

- Your Facebook profile of full of inspirational quotes.

What would you add to this list? Comment below or find me on the twitters @rantingsoflard

Thanks for reading
Lard
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Photo Post

It's been a busy few weeks so this month's photo post is in 2 parts. Here's part 1.

Lou from Lou Loves Beauty practiced a waterfall plait on me, she did well!

Combining my desire to go the beach in the recent lovely weather and my need to study

More beach photos

A little walk round the local park

St Albans cathedral

Chocolate wine is a bit odd but I can't recommend the Smirnoff Sorbet enough. It's like slush puppies for grown ups!

I'll post some more photos soon, in the meantime here are the links to the previous photo posts:

March April May June

You can also find me on the twitters @rantingsoflard

And on Bloglovin

Rantings of Lard

Thanks for reading

Lard

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You're Not Alone

I've struggled a bit for blog ideas just recently so I had a chat with my mate Google and one of the ideas was when was the last time you cried?

This is not going to be my most cheerful post.

It was last week after watching Murdered By My Boyfriend which I recorded recently from BBC3. I'd seen it advertised but not read much about it, only that it was based on a true story.

I was going to tell you the plot but it's snapily summed up here. I'm not afraid to say that by the end of the programme I was crying my eyes out.

I've never personally been the victim of domestic abuser but I know enough people that have. That fact alone pisses me off because I shouldn't know a list of people who have been victims, it should not be so prevalent but it is.

I'm sure most of you have heard the statistic that on average 2 women a week are killed as a result of domestic violence. 

2 women a WEEK.

It's easy to say, "I'd never stay with someone like that" or "I'd be out the door the minute they laid a hand on me". It's easy to say that when you've not been in those shoes, it's easy to say when your self esteem has not been ground to nothing.

It's not just about physical violence, domestic abuse can be physical, mental and emotional. One minute, you're having a tiff about how drunk you were on a night out but over a period of time it soon escalates.

You're questioned about every drink - 

"How much did you drink? "
"Who bought you a drink"

Every night out -
"Where did you go?"
"Who did you go with?"
"Who did you talk to?"

Every item of clothing
"Why are you wearing that?"
"You look like a slut."
"You're to ugly to wear that."
"You're too fat"

Soon enough it's easier to stay in and to not see your friends, it's not worth the hassle of the Spanish inquisition when you get home, not worth the accusations that because you've been out of their sight for a couple of hours that you've been out shagging all and sundry, that you can't be trusted.

I've seen how easily someone's self esteem can be completely destroyed, seen how they didn't see it as domestic abuse because their partner didn't hit them.

Nobody should have to live like that, being in a loving relationship is not about being controlled by someone.

You're not alone.
There is help out there:

www.womensaid.org.uk

www.mankind.org.uk

www.refuge.org.uk

Thanks for reading

Lard
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