Sunday, 22 June 2014

It's Time You Actually Went On A Date


This was the cry from my friends after being so disillusioned by Dave and Dave 2 that I couldn't even be bothered to trawl through the Internet to see what was on offer. So being the cracking friends they are, they started looking for me.

"Look at this one, he seems normal and he's the same age"

Hmmm, I'm not massively convinced, my inner bullshitometer is starting to make a noise.

"Go on, what's the worst that can happen?"

We'll call this man.....
(I know, you were expecting Dave weren't you?)

We do the hello how are you thing and almost straight away he asks if I would like to go for coffee this Saturday. I agree and a place to meet is arranged for 2pm Saturday afternoon. I'm still not hugely convinced but it's only coffee. Before he signs off, we have a bit more chat and he asks what I do for a living, I tell him I'm a Civil Servant and ask what he does.

"I work part time at a church, I'll tell you all about it on Saturday"

Oh bloody hell.
Now it should be noted at this point that I'm not a big fan of religion but for those that have a faith, if that's what gets you through the day then good luck to you. Just don't expect me to agree.

Saturday comes and I'm getting ready for the date thinking I best put the effort in - nice clothes, make up and heels - when he texts to say that he's just getting the bus into town.

Bus? I know it's shallow, but I do like a man with a car. I'm becoming less convinced by this date by the minute but as much as I can be a bitch, I'm not so much of a bitch that I would stand someone up so off I go into town.

I went to the prearranged meeting place and he was easy to spot because he was the man there who I would least like to go on a date with. Not a good start. I walk over and say hi, he gets up and says hello back and while he does a quick appraisal of me, I return the favour.

Blondey brown hair, not Brad Pitt looks wise but no where near the ugliest bloke in town either. Black and yellow polyester cheap nasty looking tracksuit top which definitely came from the 90s and underneath a t-shirt that was once black but after 20000 washes is now grey. Black cargo pants and filthy looking trainers. I won't judge you on the make of your trainers but I will judge you if they look like you've walked through a bog to get here. So while I've made an effort, he clearly has not and that annoyed me. He picked up his ruck sack (?) and smiled after we agreed to top go to the nearest Weatherspoons. Dear me, he had some manky teeth, mostly yellow apart from the brown bits which gave away his roll up habit. 

So off we go to Weatherspoons and he does not stop talking, he talked about how he'd been up since 4am and he'd done this and he'd done that and played some games on his laptop and then packed everything away in his ruck sack and come to meet me.

While we're standing at the bar waiting to be served he explains that the reason he has the laptop is because he's in emergency accommodation and doesn't want it to get nicked.

My mind starts saying - must not judge, must not judge.

"I'm waiting to be housed by the council"

Must not judge.

"They have offered me a place but I don't like it. I know how to play the system, I know they can offer me 3 places before they take me off the list"

I know how to play the system are not words that I like to hear. Must not judge, must not judge.

"Cos I'm on long term sick benefit, I'm getting every penny I can out of the government, it's my right."

OK. Now I'm judging.

I haven't said much at this point a) because I can't get a word in edgeways and b) I'm a little bit struck dumb. We got to the pub garden with our drinks and he proceeds to give me his life story from age 16 onwards. Highlights include leaving home to live with his Dad who was an alcoholic, his Dad dying, moving in with his girlfriend and becoming guardian to her 3 kids when he was 18 because she was an alcoholic (my bullshitometer went into overdrive at that, I was surprised he couldn't hear it), splitting up with her and finding a new girlfriend - also an alcoholic, as were her parents. Just as I start to think - I bet you're an alcoholic, he preempts me by telling me he's not alcoholic.

Because he doesn't drink during the day. Apart from the other day when he his mate came round at 1pm with a crate of Stella. "But I do have a drink every night, you know, just to relax".


He also mentioned that his ex used to smoke a lot and he didn't really like it (pot meet kettle), I was still a smoker at this point in time so I made conscious effort to smoke more while he carried on talking.

He asks me about how much I drink and I tell him that generally my drinking is done at weekends as I can't really work when I'm hungover.

"I don't have to work so it's not really a problem for me ha ha!"

Yes, so why don't you work?

He then told me about having an accident and breaking his ankle "but it's OK now", having his spleen taken out after another accident and having Epilepsy. He then proceeded to tell me that that the main reason he was unable to work was because of his Epilepsy.

Now I don't know much about breaking an ankle or having your spleen out but Epilepsy is something I can relate to. I asked a couple of questions, nothing to difficult, when were you diagnosed, are you on any meds, when was your last seizure.

"Well I've only had 2, the last one was a couple of years ago"

OK you're taking the piss now. I decided to leave it there and thought well in for a penny in for a pound.

"You said you work at the church, which one is it?"

Another long diatribe about how he is a part-time priest for local Mormon Church which Involves being available on the phone a couple of days a week in a sort of samaritan type role and helping take the service on Sundays.

"Are you religious?"



That killed the conversation fairly sharply.

At this point I'm done. Not only is he massively not my type, I've a sneaking suspicion that he's a bit of a Billy Bullshitter and those teeth are really starting to offend me.

So I make my excuses and he says he'll walk out with me, we get close to the bus station and he says

"It was really nice to meet you............. Sorry what was your name again?"

Are you kidding me? I've listened to you drone on about yourself for an hour and you couldn't even be bothered to remember my name?


Needless to say, I didn't see John again.

The search continues.

Thanks for reading

A word about the picture at the top, I found it at Womens Health. Then I read the article and it's brilliant - I highly recommend it.

Sunday, 8 June 2014

Photo Post

Welcome to this months photo post, previous photo posts are herehere and here.

Anyone else thinking of emergency exits right now? :-)

Here's some snapshots from the last few weeks.

Just a random photo when I came home from work and the sun was just in the right place


A night away for work, made all the better by finding a lonely single bed in my room! Not the best shot ever, funnily enough, not the best hotel either!

More random photos from Mum's garden

And this would explain my post Eurovision hangover.....

My mum's cat - Mr Bojangles

Bank holiday Pimms in the park - don't mind if I do!

Thanks for reading